Twelfth June.

12-June-2009


Dear You,

I'm not sure if you remember it or not,but i can not forget this day at-least. It doesn't seem right. Its just not another day. You and I have been through alot in our short time of nine years, and atleast i own everything that happened to us,and it happened because of you.
You gave up on us,i never did.I still believe in us,and i hate to say it im still waiting for you i just can't come to terms with this, how can you leave me and how can you leave us and how can you just give up on us.
Its bitter to remember very bitter,the memories taste bitter in my mind.But the question is how do i tell you about it,how do i tell you about every passing minute,i see your face everywhere.I do nothing all day, all i do is think about you,why don't you write to me?
I still remember the words you said,the hesitations and stuttering of your words.Your promises felt so real and now everything that once felt so real has faded away to a place i always wish to revisit.
But i think i have to get the harsh reality of life in my head now, you are not going to come back you have moved on.I don't understand why i care so much,i try to think what its like for you,how you keep going day after day but i can't even imagine it, i don't know how you do it.How can you have other options and how can you be so proud of all those options?You kept telling it on my face that you have other options and i kept ignoring all your options,thats where i went wrong. It worries me because some day sooner or later i'm going to forget everything,i'm not going to be able to remember the precise color of your eyes.
I just want to fast-forward this phase or just postpone it,i can't take this anymore.But you are always going to be my friend,i'm always going to write about you and for you and to you; even if we never talk to each-other again,because we have been great friends,and when it felt right between us it was without a doubt the best relationships ever.

However please if you ever go through this write back to me.I'll always wait for your words.
Happy 12th June.
You won't believe but i actually tried looking pretty today,wore clothes you loved and thats about it,but it doesn't matter anymore because its just another day for you now.

Yours forever.

You.

Depression?
Everything seems like end of world and prayers are going unanswered and everything is out of control.
You are no where around and i don't see you around in near future as-well.
I keep asking myself how do you manage without me,because i just can not manage without you.And as far as i know you are managing great and HOW is all i can think about.
And believe me at the end of the day i find myself looking around for peace;i hate seeing myself this way,look what you have done,look what you have created.
I have lost track of everything.

Your words.

Ever since it ended your words have been haunting me,but they were words you wrote for me,things you said to me.However we don't talk anymore and now things you say to her haunt me really bad.
I decided not to talk to you or tell you that i miss you because i wanted to show you that im strong and i never wanted myself to look weak.And i secretly hoped that your reason was the same.But i've always been wrong,always. However,this birthday wish you put up as your status for her made me laugh.Laugh because i can read your lies i can read untold stories through it.I know you a bit too well,after all 8 years is a lot of time to judge and get to know someone.

1. Most amazing person:
I have lost the count of the 'most amazing people' you have ever met.To be honest not really lost the count i remember each and everyone of them.I remember all your lies about them and i remember that proud smile on your face when you would tell others how amazingly you are fooling them.So this new most amazing person in your life is not all that amazing because for me reputation makes a person amazing and her reputation isn't all that amazing.

2. She has been there when you needed her the most:
This is where i read the untold story.I read the story you told her for sympathy,like i said i know you a bit too well.But to tell you the truth if you expected no change in my attitude after what you did you never judged me well,which is really sad and disappointing.She according to you is a blessing,maybe people who believe in your lies are always a blessing.

3. Fairytales: 
I can't wait till reality finally hits you and the most amazing person you know. Life is not a fairytale and prince charming is so dumb that he can't recognize Cinderella without her shoes. 

4. Best Friends:

I don't believe in Best Friends,so every-time you switch to a new girl you make a new best-friend. You better stop fooling yourself about the best-friend-phenomena.She is your girlfriend not best-friend. Someone you talk to all day long is not your best-friend.Your definition of a best-friend is just wrong, for me best-friend is NOT a label its a promise.

See what you have done,you have broken the best part of a person;trust.

Dear you.

I spend too much time stalking you on Facebook but at the end of the day thats the only thing i do with all my heart.And well i won't lie but it makes me die a little every-time, every-time i see you writing stuff on her wall or the comments you leave on her pictures, i remember you saying all that stuff to me. And i'll be selfish here, i can't wait for the day when you ditch her for someone else. I still can not believe that this is how you ended it, this isn't how it was supposed to be.I'm being delusional and i'm actually waiting for you, every time someone asks me whats up with me?I can't help but say 'Me?Nothing just sitting here missing him,waiting for him to come back'.
They tell me i should stop stalking,i try very hard to do so but at the end i find myself staring at your profile pictures, reading your wall-posts- that happens because i'm looking, i'm looking everywhere i just want to see if you feel the same way as i do, but i fail. You are not talking to me and you are not talking about me.Ever since we have known each-other this is without any doubt the longest time period that we haven't talked.
Its because of facebook/whatspp and other mutual friends- its because of them- i get to know whats going on in your life.And well i don't really talk to them about you not the ones who are really close to you. I do this because i don't want you to know that im this weak, i don't want you to know that you still matter.
Or let me put it this way i don't want you to know from other people what im going through,i want to tell you and i want you to read all this.
I'm not sure if now i want you back in my life or not; all those lies and the dishonesty.I remember you once said ' I won't be able to love any other woman'
I keep asking myself what did i do to deserve this?I'm still looking for an answer.


Sun raha hayna tu?Ro raha hun mein.

Hope.

There are times when nothing makes sense. Even the hope you had that things would get better does not  makes sense; because deep inside you know that there is no hope left. No hope left, even that does not makes sense, because no hope is sign of no life.
My no hope happened when i was let down by someone i thought would change,and i was let down by him again and again and it happened so many times that now i've lost the count. Now the idea of hope to me is just so disagreeable for me- i don't want hope anymore. It makes me feel so miserable when i find myself thinking about you because now my life and future is at stake.
We both saw this coming, atleast i did. I saw other people taking my place in your life and you were absolutely okay with it. I remember asking you dumb questions like 'Who do you talk to now,because you don't talk to me' and you were not even ashamed of answering such questions.
I've learned the lesson hard way and i admit i still lose control over myself and find myself writing you texts and letters that you are never going to read because i never send them to you.
I've been arguing with all the people i know that maybe one day sooner or later you are going to come back and i see this hopeless smile they give me and i can read the words they don't say because they are making fun of me.

I want this heartsickness to end now.I can not take it anymore.It is destroying me. 

Am i happy?

Am i happy? You be the judge. Here is my routine:
Fight away the urge to sleep every morning because i was up late last night, doing nothing.Finally get out of bed cursing wapda and the growing hours of load-shedding.Tramp down the floor because of the shoes. Pour myself a glass of coke, yes for the breakfast and sink onto the sofa in front of the tv.Stalk people on facebook and tweet random shit later on,argue with everyone who tries talking to me.
Collapse on the sofa and fall asleep because i have nothing better to do.
I guess i never really asked myself the question , because i'm too scared for the answer.While i frequently whine about my emotionally broken self, i'd have admitted that i should be grateful for whatever happened. Besides how could i not be happy?
My plans are going just the way i want them to be, my friends are unbeatable and as long as you were with me you were unbastardly.

But life's never that simple.

People i don't like.

I don't usually hate people, hate is a strong word, stronger than love; thats the only reason i prefer using like.Though im an extremist when it comes to life; sometimes i wonder if i suffer from OCD, but thats not what i am talking about.Im talking about what makes me 'not like people'

1. The way you talk:
The way you communicate is the most important part of your personality, im going to judge you if you are visiting someone with your family and instead of calling your child by his name you say 'ullo k phatay'
I mean what are you exactly doing?Firstly you must not abuse your own child irrespective of the fact that you are visiting someone or you are just sitting in your tv lounge. But okay if you are used to it atleast keep in mind you are visiting someone and you need to behave.
You just can't tell me to like you if you abuse people for the sake of fun or friendship.

2. Table manners:
I have serious issues with people who don't follow table manners. Its NOT okay if you have no idea how to use the table utensils,you really need to attend a finishing school, in that case.
Not to forget, you are having a meal with your family and you are texting non-stop, you need to put away that cell of yours and talk to people who are sitting next to you.

3. You don't believe in pets:
How can i not have issues with someone who does not believe in pets.You must have a pet at home. I would like to quote my sister here 'Sometimes pets are the only happy creatures in the house' and believe me if your pet is happy it is going to make you happy no matter how bad your day at work was.Please believe in pets.

4.You don't trust Allah:
Yes i can not even think of liking you if you don't trust Allah.I'm surprised how we actually have people who say they don't trust Allah and they don't thank Him for everything.Its funny how they think everything they are is because of them,its because of Allah.

5.You don't believe in asking:
You will really get a lot of hate if you are one of those who asume things and don't bother asking the concerned person.Whatever it is that you are assuming, you MUST ask someone, if you don't ask the answer is always going to haunt you.